Scripture Passage: Matthew 18:15-20
We’ve all been there. Our coworker takes personal calls during the workday. Not just short calls, long calls, and they take long lunches too and come into work late. Or our coworker makes comments about politics or how they raise their children or problems they have with our shared workplace, comments with which we disagree. We are required to work with this person. What do we do? We decide to discuss these problematic behaviors with our supervisor or other coworkers. We rail against the views of our coworker with our partner or friends.
We’ve all been there. A member of the church or the pastor does something we don’t understand, something that offends us. We feel confused or hurt or slighted. What do we do? We mention the situation to another member of the church. We ask someone else to talk with the person.
We have definitely all been there. An institution of which we are a part is at loggerheads with another institution. Maybe our neighborhood association is angry with a particular city department. Maybe neighboring businesses have conflict over a property line or property maintenance. Maybe we are part of an organization upset over a local, state, or federal law. We talk amongst ourselves, write and share Facebook posts, listen to news commentators who agree with us.
Conflict is part of living in community, whether that community is as small as our household or as large as the globe. We are going to hurt one another, do things that don’t make sense to others, and act out our own grief and hurt in inappropriate ways. Since conflict is inevitable and we don’t get to choose a world or relationships where there is not conflict, our choice lies in how we deal with it. We can pretend that all is always well and avoid directly speaking with the people we love to the end of our days if we want. Or we can, following Jesus’ teaching and example, talk with the person in question directly, instead of silently steaming or talking with others—except to get help in making plans for our difficult conversation.
In Jesus’ teaching today, he instructs the disciples to talk directly with the person who hurts them or the community. Simple. Direct. And if the person doesn’t listen, then, they are to bring someone else with them. And if the person doesn’t listen, they are to take the community with them. If even then the person doesn’t listen, the person is to be treated as a Gentile and tax collector, one who is loved and welcomed—with boundaries—by Jesus. Just a note: though Jesus doesn’t address extraordinary circumstances such as domestic violence, I doubt Jesus would encourage those who have been physically injured by another to enter into difficult conversation for Jesus also teaches the disciples and us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves, and boundaries are part of any loving relationship. An appropriate boundary when someone has physically hurt you is not seeing them in person.
Jesus’ teaching challenges all of us for, in our culture, especially with people who hurt us or with whom we disagree, we talk more about people than we do with them. But dear friends in Christ, this doesn’t get the job done. What is the job exactly, the call we receive in Holy Baptism, the primary thrust of God’s law? Loving relationships with God and neighbor.
If we avoid talking with someone who makes our blood boil for reasons they may not even know, when we put off clearing up a miscommunication that might really just be a miscommunication, when we allow someone to hurt our community by not having a difficult conversation directly with them, we miss a chance to build strong, loving relationships.
We know that Jesus’ teaching is probably more relevant to the US at large today than in any day in the past several decades. We are a divided nation, divided mostly by our ideological views, views on Covid-19 and wearing masks, views on race and privilege, views on the role of police and protest in our society, views on what makes a good leader in a democracy. Jesus has something to say about how we enter into conversation with those with whom we disagree for the reality is that we generally don’t…enter into conversation with those with whom we disagree at all. But today, he instructs us to have conversation instead of keeping to our echo-chambers where our own views bounce off the walls. On both a deeply personal level and in our public life: How, oh how, do we do this, Jesus?
I would be willing to bet that this teaching of Jesus has transformed my life more than any other in all of scripture…honesty, transparency, accountability, boundaries, these are the hallmarks of loving relationships. I have been on both sides of these difficult conversations many, many times. From talking with people about behavior that is unacceptable here at church to listening to family members tell me hard truths about myself. From bringing up hurtful actions or words with friends to listening to people I supervise tell me how my supervision demeaned them. From asking questions of a colleague who articulated comments I perceived as racist and sexist to receiving the confused, hurting, or angry questions of members of Grace about things I’ve done or said. Even hanging in there with ministry groups, community groups, or state legislators where theological or social views were so wildly divergent from my own that we were seemingly speaking different languages as we discussed a larger church or community problem. There may have been a few instances in these countless conversations where the conversation ended badly, where the direct communication ignited more pain, but at least in my memory, these conversations have been rare and usually the product of me or the other person not listening with an open heart. It is true that we can only enter into these conversations if we care about the relationship or truly want to solve the problem. If we don’t, there’s no reason to have conversation. But in the vast majority of these conversations, all parties walked away wiser, lighter, at peace, relieved, understood, and usually hugged—in non-Covid times, of course. The relationship strengthened.
Interestingly, most of us quote verse 20 of today’s reading out of context. Jesus says: Where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am among them. We remember these words of Jesus when we are not able to worship together as a whole congregation or when we gather for small group study or fellowship. But the context for Where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am among them is conflict and the conversations necessary to resolve conflict. Jesus assures the disciples—and us—today that, when we enter into these difficult conversations, he is with us. God is with us. These conversations are genuinely hard, so thanks be to God, we are not alone. One conversation, of course, does not heal all wounds. Especially in larger, community-based conversation about the common good and in long-time family trauma, healing and restoration require much more of us, work that goes beyond the scope of Jesus’ teaching in this passage. But the good news today is that, in the midst of our messy negotiations with one another, God is with us. Helping us hear each other. Inspiring us. Giving us courage to share truthfully and vulnerably. Moving in ways beyond our understanding. Truly, where two or three are gathered, there God is among us. Thanks be to God! Amen.